Unfortunately, I have no seemingly mundane object on which I can examine this week. However, earlier in the week I had the good fortune to visit the Ulster Folk and Transport Museum. Tedious though it was, I managed to stay awake long enough to break into the restricted area, which I managed to get away from with this glorious photograph.

This, dear readers, is the alien spacecraft which crashed near Tandragee, Northern Ireland in 1968, the craft which Stormont has being denying the existence of for over forty years. Today, I will expose the conspiracy that has been hiding the truth for so long.
To my knowlege, this spacecraft, often named after the crash site, was the first U.F.O. obtained by Stormont. Shortly after the crash, it was decided to store the craft in a sub basement in the Transport Museum, which at the time was relatively new. This sub basement was later expanded in the government's campaign to pull the wool over the public eyes.
Over the next thirty years, the government ran a large scale project to extract the alien technology from the craft. Many have investigated the purpose of this research, and the unanimous conclusion was that they, like the US government, intended to use this technology to oppress the populace and take away their freedom. No one's quite sure of the specifics, or how it would work at all, but all are agreed about the general purpose.
However, by the turn of the milennium, Stormont decided that the Tandragee craft was a dead end. They had already torn the craft apart in their lust for power, and desecrated the remains of the wise aliens who died in impact. Milennia ago, these noble beings granted us the gift of knowledge, and now we dissect their corpses in our unbridled desire for power. Anyway, other U.FO.s had crashed during this period, and Stormont decided that Tandragee was to be put into storage. Because of this, it actually had a lower guard than spacecraft being actively dissassembled, allowing me to obtain this photograph.
Now that I have summarised the Northern Irish Government's cover up of extraterrestrial life, the choice is yours; remain a sheep or wake up and know the truth. If you choose the latter, make sure to read up on the subject, and stay strong, for now the goverment will set the sheeple against you. Remember, you are not alone, and the truth shall be known.

 This artifact is typically known as the Puzzle Cube of Yrath'loria; it is an ancient device said to have the power to end the universe. But Séamas, I hear you ask, if it's so ancient and powerful then why is it made of cheap plastic? More likely, you called me a ****ing  noob who was wasting your oh so valuable time and left immediately, but I don't need to address you, because you're gone now. I can even insult you. You unlikable person.

Anyway, back to the sophisticated, charming, and sagacious people who chose to continue reading. The answer is that the Puzzle Cube was made in the future and travels backwards in time, like Merlin in that TV show. I think it was a TV show, anyway. I should probably look it up, but stress.

As the cube is supposed to destroy the universe, there is much debate as to how it was (will be?) created. A popular theory is simply that it never does so, and some amazing future technology is responsible for its temporal dislocation. The competing theory states that the cube was actually created by the end of the universe, the force of which launched in backwards in time. Both of these theories state that the cube broke while in ancient Eygpt, but a variation of the second theory believes the cube went beyond the beginning of the universe to end up at the end again. In case anyone is confused, here's a diagram.





Damn, JPEGs are amazing. They really compliment my artistic talent.

Anyway, now that you know about the cube's temporal prowess, you can forget about it for the rest of this article. The first recorded instance of the cube in history was in ancient Egypt, hence why some believe it broke there. One day Egyptians were sitting around Egyptianing when this cube just showed up out of nowhere. Because they had absolutely no idea where the hell this cube was made of, they took it to their local priest. The priest gave it to his superiors, who passed it to their superiors, until it ended up in the hands of Ramses II, also known as Ramses the Great.

When Ramses received the cube, he washed in in dragon oil and tapped it with a dinosaur toenail clipping based rock. Nobody knows what he dreamt of that night, but whatever it was, it was no doubt important. Ramses went on to win several wars, gaining territory for Egypt and driving the molepeople out of the region forever. However, what not many people know is that to ensure the cube was brought to its ultimate destination, Ramses founded a secret society - the golf caddies.
Those of you well versed in sports history might currently be scratching your heads, as you know golf was invented in England in 628 C.E. when someone decided life was too exciting. Originally, the caddies worked in a similar Egyptian sport by the name of dolf. It was basically like golf, except it was all bunkers. Since the caddies were founded, the cube has only appeared in history where they wished it to, and it is only by their grace that it currently sits on my desk. I would like to thank this moment to thank them for their generousity and pray that I am not to be classed as a loose end in times to come.
The caddies have a very good reason for all their secrecy. If the cube is ever assembled on a full moon, then its universe destroying potential will be unleashed. Currently, it's a little more than a week until full moon, so all I have to do is remember to take it apart before then, and everything should be fine.
Given my memory, I'd say we're doomed.

This cookie was baked long ago in the Qin Dynasty in ancient China. Though the recipe has been lost to the sands of time, historians know that this type of cookie was baked exclusively for those the emperor wished to honour. By examining historical records I have determined that this cookie's delivery was interupted by a viking raid, who would have brought it back to native Scandinavia as a gift to Odin.

Based on the fact that this cookie is decidedly unconsumed, Odin did not like it. As punishment, he would have thrown the vikings that gave it to him into space to die horribly. The descendants of the leader of the raid would then have been tasked to kill someone using the cookie or be condemned to Hel, the boring Viking version of Hell.

After examining this biscuit thoroughly with my magicascope, I can tell it was not in Ireland during the fairy occupation due to the lack of any aura. 

 

My totally geniune magicascope.

I assume it was brought over during a raid on a monastery, as the cookie shows signs of burning, likely caused by a monk's holy fireball attack. Presumably, the wielder of the cookie was killed by said fireball and the cookie, lost. As the cookie was retrieved by the native Irish, the raid leader's descendants still suffer from Odin's curse. SUCKS TO BE THEM.

Fortunately, it seems that this cookie was untouched during the great Patrick-Snake war of 475. It would have been a shame if St. Patrick's orbital cannons were pointed at wherever this marvellous biscuit was at the time. I suspect some Celtic king took a liking to the cookie, and kept it safe during the bombardment.

For the next millenium or so, this cookie would pass from owner to owner, with nothing particularily interesting happening to it. Its next high point in history was during the Ulster Plantation. Irish bandits who had been driven off their land held it up as a symbol of the good old days when attacking Protestant settlers. These bandits were of course wiped out when Oliver Cromwell sunk a significant portion of Ireland, and the cookie would then come into the possession of a wealthy English landowner. I noticed what might have been teeth marks on the cookie, so I assume a landowner nibbled on it in front of their tennants during the Great Famine.

Since the middle of the nineteenth century, this cookie has resided in a box in a house in Connemara. A few weeks ago, I liberated it with the help of a professional "retriever of valuable items" and began my research into its past, which you have just read.

I then took a bite. It was awful.

This rock was formed nearly eleventy million years ago, when dinosaur toenail clippings were put under great heat and pressure. This would have occured in volcanoes, which then launched the rocks into the stratosphere during eruptions. The heat from the descent would purify the rocks, and when they landed cavemen and molepeople would compete furiously for them due to their religious significance.

After the extinction of the molepeople in the seventh century B.C.E., all rocks like this would have fallen into human possesion. From the unique patterns on this rock I can tell it spent at least several hundred years in Egypt. It is a little known fact that the ancient Egyptians used dinosaur tonail clipping based rocks to help in the construction of the pyramids by summoning aliens. The Pharaohs also used them to call up the waters of Nile, but they sadly never realised that the rocks were useless and the power was inside them all along.

After the Roman conquest of Egypt (largely caused by the Pharaohs never realising their true potential), this stone was presumably captured and brought back to Rome in chains. Some of the wealthiest Romans would eat stones of this type, usually served with dodo meat.
Eventually, some Roman general might have brought this stone to Britain during the conquest of the island. After consumption, the stone would have been thrown into the sea, along with some soldier the general didn't like, as an offering to Poseidon. Now, the stone was it a posion to wash up on the shores of Ireland, which was then known as Leprechaun Island.

At the time, Ireland was completely under fairy dominion. The most famous kind of fairy were the leprechauns, though there were many others. Although the people of Ireland had slaved away for many centuries, these rocks ushered in a new age when it was discovered that the fairies had one weakness - dinosaurs.

When the dust of the revolution had settled, the people of Ireland had to decide what to do with the rocks of their salvation. Eventually, it was decided to spread them across the island, so the dinosaur gumption contained within them would make Ireland inhospitable for all fairies. This plan worked, and Ireland has been free of the fae since 362 C.E. In all this time, the rocks have stayed on the island, keeping us safe from the fairy menace until the end of time.