Sitting here on my desk is the key to Ireland. It is to be used in the event of the apocalypse to close the country after everyone is gone. It was created during the 1950s when De Valera received a report entitled "Coping Ability of the Republic of Ireland in an End of the World Event". Dev dismissed the report, as he believed that all good citizens would go to heaven, and the rest be damned. However the report fell into the hands of several TDs who knew the importance of good extinction etiquette. They were determined that when Ireland went, it would be tidy and locked up so no one could damage it before the new owners arrived. They commissioned this key to achieve these ends. When this is turned in the national lock at Mizen Head, a 3 metre high wall will extend from the ground and close Ireland off from the rest of the world.
Situated next to the national lock is the bell to summon the cleaners. When the key and all associated projects were constructed, a cleaning team was mummified and a curse placed on their tomb. When the bell is rung, they will rise from the dead and begin the process of tidying the country for any future tenants.
Since the 1950s, the key has been in the possession of the official Badass of Ireland. Only this person is considered able, when the sky falls and fire consumes the land, to make the journey to Mizen Head and lock the country behind them. This person is always a heretic and debaucherous sinner, to ensure that they are not raptured into heaven before their journey is complete. Although no Badass would ever allow the key to be stolen without terrible vengeance being wreaked upon the thieves, the current holder of the title is willing to rent it out in return for Oreos.
Okay, he's currently staring into my window. I think my time with the key is up. I shall return next week with an article about whatever the hell I think up in the meantime. Adios, and don't let monsters kill you on the train.